


Better Off

by subiteveneinorem



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hug!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/349932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subiteveneinorem/pseuds/subiteveneinorem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘He doesn’t want me to remember.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Off

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler-ish for 7x17. This one goes to [TJ](http://stuffimgoingtohellfor.tumblr.com/), as thankies for her [cuddle-or-die fic](http://triedunture.livejournal.com/627459.html). Also, angsty hugs.

‘He doesn’t want me to remember.’  
  
Sam raised his head from behind the monitor. ‘Huh?’  
  
Castiel shrugged and stared at his own hands, legs folded beneath him and hidden under the covers. Another failed attempt at sleep, thought Sam. The nurse had told them that Cas had never slept through the night. Not because of nightmares; it seemed as if his body - his _vessel_ \- rebelled at the mere thought of being unconscious for more than three or four hours at a time.  
  
Cas flexed his fingers and turned his palms upwards. ‘He won’t tell me who I am. Neither will you, right? For all I know, you could be planning to kill me, or—’  
  
‘Dude, no,’ Sam sighed. Research could wait. He closed the laptop and moved to sit beside Castiel. ‘We’re your friends, okay?’  
  
The angel - former angel? they didn’t know - raised his head to stare at Sam. ‘You keep saying that, yet you’re doing nothing to help me. I want to know who I am,’ Hhs gaze filickered to the side. ‘And I want to know what I did to Dean.’  
  
Sam frowned. ‘What? Cas, it’s—’ but Cas glared at him, clearly not planning to buy any of the bullshit they had been trying to sell him. Sam settled on ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’  
  
The smile that appeared on Castiel’s face was tight and humorless. ‘Right.’  
  
Sam rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was beginning to wonder why he hadn’t thought about going on a supply run before Dean. But then, his asshole of a brother used every opportunity to stay as far away from Cas as possible. Jerk. ‘Look, Cas, this is not how amnesia works. If we force stuff onto you, you might never fully recover. And—’  
  
‘I had months to recover. Nothing happened. Just tell me what I have done,’ Cas dropped his head again and started picking at the sleeve of one of Sam’s hoodies. He was drowning in it, but it was the only thing that was warm enough. Castiel wasn’t fond of low temperatures.  
  
Then, quieter, ‘He hates me, doesn’t he? I can feel that.’  
  
‘Cas...’  
  
‘No, Sam, I know what I’m saying. He goes out whenever he can, and if he can’t, he looks at me when he thinks I can’t see him, searching for something. And _it’s not there_. And he’s disappointed. He doesn’t want me the way I am now. But whenever I ask him to tell me who I was, he gets that haunted look in his eyes. And once,’ he twisted the bedsheet in his palms, ‘he was standing over my bed, I was faking sleep, and he whispered that _I was better off not knowing_.’ Cas’ fingers tore through the fabric. ‘I know you both but I _don’t_ know you, and you should have left me at the hospital. Why did you come for me, I was happy, I was—’  
  
It wasn’t a difficult decision. Sam reached out and drew Cas into his arms. The angel burrowed his head into Sam’s chest, his whole body shaking.  
  
‘You weren’t safe there,’ Sam whispered into Cas’ hair. ‘You weren’t safe and you’re family, and family means no one gets left behind.’ He tightened his hold, wondering if this was Castiel’s first hug. ‘I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.’


End file.
